A very touching day!

Today was a calm day for the physical side of me but not so for the mental side. It seemed my body didn't want to give me much to think about, for which i am very grateful, but my mind just started begging for conversation. It wanted to discuss far more than I wanted to about my future and details of that future. The result was of course roller coasting emotions as I sat at home trying to take control. I guess we really can't take control all the time. Finally after what seemed hours of sullen thoughts and some tears, I was rescued by some wonderful little happenstances that could over power my mind games enough to refocus on some pretty wonderful things. First, I realized there were a few birthdays of kids who had been here in past years and so i was able to send them an email. Jeanette from Austria, Valeria from Mexico and Christoph from Austria, who also lived here with us, all had birthdays this week. Happy Birthday to you all!. Then seeing that my daughter enjoyed my last post so well, really set very well with me too, just when I needed it to. If you have ever clicked on Mummy Tomte's Blog on the right of mine, you can follow along with this wonderful family in Norway. Well the other day her daughter Elisabeth and boyfriend, Simon, left for a 3 month trip around the world which will include a visit here sometime in April. You can see a picture of a precious last glance from daughter to mom as the train moved on. As a dad and a person who became very close to Elisabeth, I too knew I would worry about such a trip just as Inger and Erik would. It was so touching today and very exciting to receive the first word from Bangkok that they were there and enjoying the trip so far and safe. What a thrill for two young people to take on such an adventure, challenging the world with just their backpacks and their hearts and minds. Such a brave thing. I pray for them every day for safety and pure joy. Then a very exciting word from Miguel, who also lived with us last year, that his family's request for a special visa to move part of their company to the USA has been approved. This means he and his family will be moving soon to Orlando. It's something they have been hoping and praying for so long. Miguel's grandad is very sick and lives in Miami so that will make things better for them too. It also means it will be easier for our two families to get together which is a wonderful thought. I pray too for their family and grandpa as well. Then after reading a few very nice cards of encouragement and frequent naps, I finally got through the day enough to start dinner. Ah, a new problem. Soon I must teach my mind to learn my new limits of eating. It still remembers the old me. A painful lesson its going to be. Still doing great from round 4 Chemo, no effects yet, hair still there. I am blessed for sure and so are you! God bless you all.

Bubba and I both moving on!

If you read last night's blog, you heard that Bubba, Laura's endeared Doge Spirit, had a little trouble. Well I'm happy to report that Bubba is back on the road. The main thing is that he's fixed to the point that we feel our daughter is safe. It only took a new battery and a fuel filter to make things right. That and of course my credit card number helped too. A very small price to pay for keeping someone so important to us in a safe and reliable environment. Or as she might say, "keep her dancing trough the panic, with an olive Branch lifting her homeward" Too random for me to understand, right Rach?

Okay, now my doctor visit. Cindy and I went in with a number of questions about other drugs, more aggressive issues, the need for upcoming scans, and the new swelling of some glands in my neck. It didn't take long for Dr. Becky to answer them all. Answers that we hadn't thought about and that we accepted. Answers that once again get back to the simple fact that cancer is different for everyone and so unpredictable. It only took a second for her to say, "Okay we are changing to another Chemo, one that your cells haven't been hit by yet. It just happened to be the Chemo that Cindy and I had researched and were wondering why we hadn't seen it yet. So now my Chemo routine has been changed to once a week on Mondays for 3 hours or so there at the clinic. No pump for the rest of the week, just one day a week in the easy chair. I'll do this for 6 to 8 weeks to see where the path leads next. This new Chemo came with lots of warnings just like the others about side effects. So far I have responded to this one just like the last, with minimal side effects. I know it's only 24 hours but hey, I pick all positive things along the path, and this morning I'm late posting be case I slept better, and the swelling and pain has gone down some in the neck so those are good things. We will see if it continues as the weeks go on. I sure do like not having my pump hanging off me all week. I'm looking forward to being a little more mobile each week between treatments, and getting out to enjoy some of this brisk weather that I really do love. All this keeps me at the attitude and spirit level that I need on this path. Boosted by the energy of all your thoughts and prayers.

If you look close on the path, the sign says, "TAKE CARE, PATH MAY BE SLIPPERY", I can handle "Slippery" as long as the path goes on. Unlike Pippin, who "wanted life to be more than long" Enjoy your lives day by day, so that you have time to see what you really love and how they love you. These are your blessings.

Pray for Bubba and me!

The Path is going to narrow a bit today for a few small reasons. First was the unfortunate "help Dad" call from Laura because "Bubba" her beloved '91 Dodge Spirit, with only 60,000 original miles on it, wouldn't start. Ahh, you got to love AAA. They took good care of my precious daughter and Bubba is getting a good checkout today. Oh what a good lead in to my path day. I start round 4 of Chemo today. I too get a good checkout when I see the doctor and have a few new gremlins that I have to share with her. A few new aches and some pains in my neck (Not you Laura, by the way, or any of you for that matter). They have appeared just this weekend and are a little frightening. Cindy doesn't think they are too much to fear but it's too hard to just pass them off. Actually I am looking forward to going in because it just makes more sense to be doing something proactive here than just sitting around. After taking round 3 so easily, I really want to get started with round 4. After that, I suspect there will be some scans to determine just where everything is at that point. Cindy and I have been doing quite a bit of research and have lots of questions for the doctors today, so it should be an interesting morning. I'll be wearing the "Chemo To Go" pump home for the week so things should be fairly normal around the house. Remember, the door is always open, you just might find me curled up on the couch fast asleep. I've been told that waving a small Wendy's Frosty in front of a sleeping person's nose has the same efforts as smelling salts, only much less evasive. I'm not sure where I read that. Think of me today, and Laura too. Your thoughts and prayers are my energy. You are all loved.

A full and busy path today.

What a pleasant day for me today. All gremlins took a back seat to just enjoying my day. My niece Cathy and her husband Tim and step daughter Liz were here visiting this weekend from Roanoke VA. Cindy certainly enjoyed a series of shopping escapades driven by the desire for that ultimate bargain that they all seemed to share. And somehow during that time, drove up to Perfect North Slopes to join me and 9 of our exchange students and friends enjoying the freshly made snow for the day. I think they enjoyed their 2 hour tubing experience and then quickly back on the road to shop again. It was a delightful day for me to just sit and enjoy watching some of my favorite young people have such a good time with each other on the slopes. From beginners to experts, skis to snowboards, they all seemed to have a wonderful time. I could see them all willing to try new things, push their own boundaries and just plain have fun. It was good to see Finn again, and his friend Jansen, Tina with her broken thumb, still able to go tubing, Kristine, Ole, Nina, and Sebastian seemed to have endless energy keeping up with Aaron and Zach, our resident experts. And the good part was, we left without any injuries at all except for Nina's favorite belt from Italy that didn't make it through Nina's fist attempt at snowboard jumping stunts. I sure was proud of her to try at least. The day ended with a nice quiet family dinner and visit at home with Carrie and Bill joining for the late night chit chat. I must tell you, Momma Tomte that Tim could not resist your incredibly delicious Black Raspberry Jam. I will probably have to search his luggage as he leaves tomorrow, but I did give him directions to Tnsberg, Norway. So you can see, my path was loaded with good friends, family and fun today. A combination that easily distracts me from those gremlins that don't want to stay away completely. I love and appreciate all of you for being a part of my path. You are all loved and I am so very blessed.

This is still my path.

It's not very often I even look at all the stuff passed on to me on the Internet. Oh, I try to take a quick glance here and there so I don't miss one or two of the real funny things, but in general, there are just too many of them. Now along comes one that I just have to pass on. I think it makes great sense and best reflects just what I am trying to be all about during my battle.

Attitude 2007

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

I believe in this, I always have. I just never tried to write it down like this. Monday starts round 4 of my Chemo. I have some new pains but they are manageable. I have my niece, Cathy and her family here visiting, she too is manageable. Of course I'm kidding, just trying to tickle her funny bone. Skiing with the exchange kids this weekend too, and I know that will be a sure boost for me. So Monday will come fast and then maybe I'll wake up with only 3 strands of hair! You are all loved, God bless you all.

How did they know it was so good?

I can't help but share this very funny story. I have often mentioned our dear friends in Norway, Elisabeth and her parents Inger and Eric. Inger has since started a blog as well to cheer me up. You can link to it on the right as "Mamma Tomte's Blog". It all started when I mentioned the healing effects of the "Black Raspberry". It turns out she has a garden full of them and for years has been making Black Raspberry Port Wine and Black Raspberry Jam. After my blog entry she, and the "Beatles" hinted strongly that I should be soon waiting on the postman. Oh, I knew then what was in store for me and did just that , waited patiently. When I returned from New Hampshire, there sat a curious package from none other than Norway. As you can see in the photo, her reputation for the best Port Wine and Jam in the world must be well known. Those guys at "The Department of Homeland Security" indeed did open one of the jars and sample her treats. I'm not upset at all, since my nature is to share, but now I certainly fear the safety of my next delicious shipment. It will probably not make it at all. Maybe she could just indicate one jar for the boys in black and that would make them happy. Ah, but it sure does make me feel important! And Inger, my toast yesterday morning were just hopping around the counter "jamming" the song "I feel Good" until i devoured them. Oh was it delicious. Thank you so much. It was good to get back home and back to the special care I get from Cindy. I really missed that. She just takes too good care of me. It is one of the main driving forces as to how long I will fight this battle. Who would cut short such grand treatment with such a wonderful woman? Only a fool. Once again I end this entry with a special awareness of how very blessed I am, not only because of people like Cindy and Inger, but because of all of you, in Berlin New Hampshire and everywhere else. You are loved! God bless you all.

Thanks for the Woopie Pies!!

An amazing trip! I could sit here all night long and write about it but I wont. I'm sure I will in bits and pieces as the days go on. I can't express the love and appreciation I feel to my son Steve for suggesting and taking me on this trip. I feared going at first. The idea of seeing so many of my family members, possibly for the last time seemed a bit morbid. Not at all. In all the four days, and all the hugs and hours of wonderful conversation, I never felt that at any time. It was such a boost of energy and positive attitude adjustment that I hated to leave. The good part is that I probably will go again, since I think Carrie and Bill want to take that trip too. The picture to the left is the house that I was born in, 133 Clark St., Berlin, New Hampshire. Actually, I was born in the hospital, but you will see that picture in a few days too. I waned to just put in two pictures for tonight's blog entry. Two pictures that kind of packaged up the spirit and emotions of the trip. I made it a purpose to see as many places and people as I could. These two photos seem to best sum up the incredible time that I had. The smiling young lady below is Alexis Marcou, the delightful daughter of my cousin Tim and his wife Sue. Of course I had never met Lexi, but I gotta tell you how happy I am that I did. It was just wonderful to sit and share stories, laugh and remember with them all. I found out too, that Lexi writes newsletters and seems to be that one computer contact I need to bring the Berlin families closer to my family web page. I have always wanted to link the younger generations and locations of the family so they can begin to learn about each other. I am really excited because I think Lexi can be that link. Each of the 4 days were filled with fun, fantastic food, and terrific family times. I just can't tell you how wonderful it was. But I might try, so stay tuned. Also, as I sit here with my Popsicle, I am very excited to be back trying to figure what to write in this blog thing. I missed you all and I'm looking forward to sharing more and reading your comments. A few days away only reminded me that much more of how blessed I am and how much you are all loved!

Off to the North Country

Tonight, Steve and I will be on our way to Boston and then on to Berlin, New Hampshire. I'm almost at a loss for words, oh just kidding, when it comes to how I feel about heading up there. It is a place that I never left. You see, my dad was a military man and I didn't stay in Berlin long. When I was 6, the Army began moving us around. Just for fun, here is a quick whirlwind time line of my life from there. After 1st grade in Berlin, it was 2nd grade in Seattle, 3rd-4th in Manila, Philippines, 4th-6th in Norfolk, VA, yes I had to repeat there somewhere based on the Philippine school system, 7th grade back in Berlin where all my 1st grade buddies were in the 8th grade, then 8th grade in Manhattan, 9th grade in Staten Island finally 10-12th in Verona, Italy. Somewhere through all that we managed to return to Berlin on holidays or vacations to keep a bond with my dad's 9 siblings and my mom's 3. They were both from the same town so my roots are buried pretty deep there. Berlin is a small industrial paper mill town sitting well north of any tourist activity in the beautiful state of New Hampshire. It is a town that doesn't grow much and just sits quietly at the base of Mount Washington in the White Mountains Presidential range. Then came my Air Force career after one year in Columbus at Ohio State. I spent one year in Denver and then 7 years in the Mojave Desertof California, and then the final 3 years at Wright Patterson. Somewhere in there, Mike, Steve and I met Cindy, who in her lifetime had ventured from Xenia to Cincinnati, and possible Kentucky. 28 years later, most of you all know me as a man rooted firmly here in the Ohio Valley. Well, I have to be honest, if Cindy could stand the cold, we would be gone. I never once gave up the feelings of where I was from and where I wanted to belong. It just didn't work that way. After living and traveling almost around the world, I still found nowhere more peaceful and beautiful as around Berlin, New Hampshire. But I will tell you, Norway takes a very close second place!

Well I don't want to go on and on but just wanted to share some of the excitement I feel about this trip. Each of my children are thinking of different things to do to spend some good quality time with me and if they all choose going to New Hampshire, you can see I won't be disappointed. It's always been a thrill for me to go there, even as a little boy, and that has never changed. Some of the things they have there are REAL Popsicles, chocolate donuts and woopie pies. Steve and I wont go hungry, that's for sure. I probably won't have computer access so we will just have to hold the blog for when I get back next week and will have lots of little stories to tell. In the meantime, I continue to soak up your loving prayers, support and encouragement with vigor and an appreciation you can't imagine. I honestly look forward to round 4 of Chemo so that it will be over and I can get to those scans and see great results. That is my hope, that is our wish and our prayer. God loves you all and so do I.

There sure is a lot to learn.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time thinking about my "Path". In addition I went internet surfing along the path for more information. I started with the actual definition of "Cancer". It was simple enough to understand, "Cancer develops when cells in the body begin to grow out of control." Out of control, those are words often used around me but in a more playful and complimentary way, thank goodness. "Normal cells grow, divide, and die. Instead of dying, cancer cells continue to grow and form new abnormal cells." Again, not very complicated. A pretty simple process. I must admit that "Normal" is not a word used around me very much. "Cancer cells often travel to other body parts where they grow and replace normal tissue. This process, called metastasis, occurs as the cancer cells get into the bloodstream or lymph vessels." This was a part I never paid much attention to. It is the part where it seems that luck, good or bad, or fate comes in. The part we can't really do anything about. It is the part that gives us the stages of Cancer. Thus, since mine has spread to my Lymph system, I get to be Stage 4. "Cancer cells develop because of damage to DNA. DNA is in every cell and directs all its activities. When DNA becomes damaged the body is able to repair it. In cancer cells, the damage is not repaired." It's as simple as that, yet the whole world studies, searches, and experiments to find a cure. It is somewhat ironic that a few summers ago I worked through a grant program with UC Medical Center, assisting lab technicians who were doing cancer research studying DNA taken from rodents. I learned then, just how much research and effort goes into that simple problem of "Damaged DNA" and how can it be fixed.

So now, when my doctor explains that because of my stage, I am not a candidate for surgery, or that her preferred care for me is a program that will make me as comfortable as possible for as long as possible, I guess it makes much more sense to me now. So here I am, in the middle of this path, a path filled with thousands of people facing the same thing. What is going to make me any different? Mmmmm good question. In the days to follow, as I write about my own path and what I find along the way, I'm sure I will begin to discover what makes me different. I think a few things are evident right now and more will surface. The first thing is that I am MOVING. I can't accept to have an illness and then just do nothing accept sit at home and wonder or worry what is next. So that's why it's a PATH, people don't sit on PATHS, they move along. So much is being done for me and thousands of others facing cancer, and most of it I can't be a part of. So, the next thing that is going to make me different is answering the question, "How much can I take part in my own cure or outcome?" I think this is where my PATH opens up and gets wider. I think this is where my attitude, my humor, my faith and my character all come in play. I honestly think that if I continue to move, I'll continue to learn. If I continue to move, I'll continue to grow, if I continue to move, I can help myself, all of you and others to learn. And as that happens, time moves too, good things happen, people smile, life goes forward. Yes, we still have to face everything on the path, the bad things too, but that is life. And for me, I choose life. A choice that I am convinced that I can only make with the help and support of all of you. That is the next thing that makes me different. YOU, each of you. Over and over I come to the realization of how lucky I am, how very blessed I am to have all of you along my PATH. You know who you are. You are loved! God bless you all.

Path narrowed just slightly!

I can't tell if the path was getting narrow these past few days or i was just gaining weight. Just kidding. I all ready knew that I have gained back a couple of the pounds I lost and that is a good thing. Soon our counter tops will be clear of all the Holiday goodies and treats so many of you provided. What a burden it was for me to feel obligated to devour them all. How can I tell Jane I ate the entire loaf of Goeta? You should have seen me whimpering to Karen for a second bowl of Chicken Soup. Hopeless, just hopeless.

Seriously, the path got a bit tight from Cindy and I both having what seemed to be sinus infections or an ugly virus that was going around. We are both on antibiotics and doing better.

This week "Hope" takes the front seat in my daily thoughts again. After last weeks 3rd round Chemo experience, I can't help but feel a surge of hope based on the fact that I didn't feel much at all from the Chemo. There are so many around me taking the same Chemo for the same reasons and just having so much trouble and ill feelings. I was simply blessed with basically a fairly simple Chemo week with very few side efects. . My dear Friend Bernie asked me point blank the other day, "To what do you attribute the lack of problems from your Chemo? Forced to think and be honest, I told him that I would really like say it is the tremendous amount of prayers and blessings poured out to me that are doing it. I waited for a second for his reply and instantly his face lit up to a level that I knew he agreed whole heartedly. It is this special support, outpouring of prayers and love that makes me certain I will be in that small percentage of those that beat this BEAST. That is my HOPE.

I must take the time to mention that during the past few weeks, my dear friend Bernie was going through such a hard time himself as his dad, Bernie was suffering and later passed on from cancer. It was a very quick illness for his dad and very hard for Bernie's family. Cindy and I attended his funeral Mass and it was such a beautiful and yes joyous celebration of a wonderful man's life.

Only a couple more days before my trip to Berlin, New Hampshire. That is the beautiful Mt. Washington in the background. I'm really excited now since the weather looks like there will be some snow. My biggest fear is that Steve will be in the middle of Patriot land cheering for his Colts. I don't think he realizes what a minority he will be. Should be fun for sure.

The flower at the top just happens to be the Irish Hope Rose. And with that, I hope you all find daily peace and blessings. You are all loved, God bless you.

Gotta love those little green men!

Often I have commented here on the blog and in many of my men's group discussions about a man's natural search for his "Pot of Gold" at the end of his rainbow. So many of us in my generation started out with a strong focus to work hard, do well, never quit, play fair and then hit the jackpot. At least I did. Life from that day on became a slow realization that it wasn't going to be that way. At least not in the terms most of us had planned. The wonderful thing is that as I grew in my own character, and my family and faith became more a part of my life, I was able to adjust life's viewing glasses such that I realized it did happen just that way. What was different was the Jackpot. We all go through life with wishes, dreams and hopes centered around fame, money, accomplishment of some level. We wonder what it would be like to be the guy up on the hill, or on the screen, or in the news. It's only natural. I kept wondering every day, where and when I would look down and find the "Pot-O-Gold", when the little Leprechaun,would pop out and shake my hand and dump the gold coins at my feet. Of course it didn't happen that way, but somewhere along the way, I slowly learned how to appraise gold in the correct way. In fact I'm still learning. I learned that all this time, my gold coins were right in front of me and coming so fast I couldn't count them all. All I had to do was reach for them and enjoy them. An now today, with this crazy situation surrounding us, I find myself enjoying those coins every day. So very happy I have them and like any collector, so proud they are mine to enjoy. Here is a picture of one such coin. My son Stephen William Marcou, who has a Birthday today. His 36th, I think. I am so very proud of the man he has become, the things he has done, the family he nurtures and loves, and the faith he has built. He is just one of the many "Golden Coins" in my Jackpot.

I'm still blessed with a low level of side effects, with manageable pain and fatigue as my gremlins lately. The path stays wide, the pace is good, I just wish I was a bit further along. I have big things to look forward to next week, with Steve and I heading to Boston and New Hampshire. I want to ask all of you to include in your prayers, my sister Karen, who just went in for an emergency appendectomy and removal of a cyst on her intestines. She is doing well but has a tough 5 days ahead of her. God bless you all, you are loved, and Happy Birthday Steve!

Ah good advice, just what I need.

Got unhooked today. At the clinic, I was actually asleep in the easy chair waiting my turn when the alarm on my pump started singing. I looked down and it just said "empty". Since it's not a self service clinic I wondered what response I would get if I playfully yelled, "hey, fill up on pump 45" I was really that close to doing it and now I think I missed a golden opportunity. Oh well there is always a next time.

I enjoyed a trip up to WWHS today and it was such a fun time to see every one's smiling faces. I thought it was because I was visiting but I realized it was because of exams and the kids were gone! Happy Birthday Barb! We had a wonderful time at dinner. Great food, and fantastic company who love you, what a winning combination.

Well watch out, I've been reading again. I will say, reading is the one thing that I am now trying to do more of than I used to. I went looking for some words of wisdom surrounding my 2 key issues about all this. One is that this is all so sudden and so negative, and the other is that it is all so uncertain and open ended. And so, just how in the heck do I deal with it all. I picked up one of the books someone had given me and as I was chapter hunting, I noticed that HOPE word again. I like that word because I can deal with it and I believe in it. I read this small paragraph talking about the negative feelings and the down sides in a way that I said..."hey I like that". It's nice to read that you are doing something considered "the right way". The book simply, in a very honest way, matched a good thing with the obvious bad things. And since the bad things are right out there, you simply need to associate the right good thing so that your focus is aligned more toward the good parts. Simply put, here is what I got out of it. My everyday efforts have to be to use my humor, attitude, support system and everything I have that is ME, to find out, first, how to show and use my strengths while I'm basically very weak, second, how to find and enjoy peace when I'm in the middle of this turmoil, then figure out how to feel quiet joy and peace while facing the sadness and shock of all this and then last, in the midst of all that, how do you see and feel God's protection and compassion in the middle of Life's cruelty and unfairness. Sounds like a big task but I can tell you, that as i sit here each night so far, I am honestly finding it a very doable task. With help of course. The first level of help is the smart dude that put those words down in a book for others to read and the rest of the help is all of you who continue to encourage and strengthen me every day. You are loved. Opps, I must make a correction too, when I closed the book I noticed it's not a dude but a dudette that wrote those wise words. Proud of me Carrie?

Well I'm drug free until round 4 of the Chemo on Jan 29th, with a lot of fun things planned in between. I will tell you honestly that I wish I was writing all this in month 9 or 10 instead of just month 2. That is one of the hardest things for me to get used to is the timing. Very crummy timing, and I feel like it's been months already. Snow, I need snow, so let's all wish for snow!! God Bless you all, and everyone have a fantastic 3 day weekend and enjoy "Arthur Martha's Birthday" ( That was laura's first try at why she didn't have to go to school that day, I think she was about 6, ha ha)

Last day of gremlin juice coming up!

I'm excited to get this chemo pump unhooked today, although I am amazed at how few side effects I felt from it. My prayers, my private wish and my fears are all based on that. If nothing is happening, then is it good, or is it bad, who knows? Makes the inside of my head feel like a trampoline. I do however chose to go with the fact that is is prayer, care and support energy that is doing this. That lets me accept it as a blessing, not as a worry.

Tonight Cindy and I went out with one of my "very old" military buddies from "still in our teen" days. Sam and I were young bald airmen, and new dads together. In addition, we were young budding technical wizards ready to take on the world's aeronautical and space problems single handedly. Now, 40 years later, we just get to buy from the Senior menu at Bob Evans. Old friends are a great treasure. Also yesterday, I figured out just how wise my mentor, Jim really is. He is a pretty clever guy. He delivers incredible goodies from his wife Jane, like Key Lime pie and homemade Goeta on one day and then the next day picks me up and suggests that we go walking in the mall. Clever, very clever. Once this round of chemo is done, and my appetite returns, I will start attacking some of those morsels. Like this big plate of chocolate chip cookies from Carmella that just sits there failing to stimulate my"grab" reflex. Oh well, there will be plenty of time in a few days. Steve and I are all set with our plans to head north to New Hampshire next week. I'm very excited and looking forward to the trip for sure. I don't think a dad ever loses the pride and enjoyment to take his children and show them off, no matter how old and gray hair they get. (Steve that is). My mailbox and email inbox and message screen were all full again today with so many warm wishes and encouragements, many of whom took seats on the bus too! May God continue to bless all of you as He does me, day after day.

There was hardly room for all of us on the path today.

Today I am tempted to call one of those tour bus companies and have them make me a bus for the rest of my journey. In the course of one day, I spoke to at least 6 good dear friends on the phone, at least 4 wonderful international kids on line, enjoyed an evening with our best friends, my wonderful daughter, and my energetic men's group from church, which included the special gift of all of those incredible people praying over me for total healing. It just doesn't get any better than this. Especially when you throw in a trip to JB's for the best steak in Cincinnati, freshly baked Key Lime pie from Jane, who just also happened to semd a;pmg a loaf of home made Goeta, homemade cookies, homemade candies and of course, some more Graeter's Black Raspberry Chip ice cream. I'm getting to feel pretty humble and pretty good here. From what Cindy and I have researched, this was supposed to be an unpleasant journey down a difficult path. Well, don't tell my cancer gremlins, and jump on the bus, because with friends, love, prayer, warmth, good food, laughter and the love of the Lord, this trip, so far has it's grand moments. I know I joke and make light of this, but I really do feel so incredibly blessed when my days go by filled with such a rush of goodness and love. It truly removes, or certainly diminishes, the parts of the journey that we don't like and feared. The pain, the incredible fear of tomorrow, the uncertainty, the frustration, all of which they warned me of. It just takes my breath away when i went upstairs tonight and just felt so incredibly loved and cared for. my aches, pains and fears soothed by the love, prayers and laughter of friends. Replaced by hugs, best wishes, delectable morsels and stretched out hands of God's love. Jump on the bus, there's plenty of room and everyone is welcome. I am so blessed and you are so warmly loved and appreciated. God bless you all!

The path treats me well.

A couple of days into round 3 chemo, and hear's the scoop. Hair, still attached, pain, bearable with meds, fatigue, never ending, appetite, deminished, but I keep challenging it, (see Cindy for more details) and most other symptoms, not present. I am amazed at times. As I read the EC digest daily, I am encouraged. Both doctors are encouraged. The only down side so far is that we are so early into this process. Only two months since my diagnosis. Maybe it's too early, does my "better than average" acceptance and response to treatment have a postive meaning in all this. Arggggg... too much thnking. One thing is for sure. My own faith and beliefs, my upbeat and extremely optimistic attitude, slight stubborness and as Cindy puts it, my frequent ALLIEN behavior, are all a positive key to my success and only available because of YOU. Your prayers, incredible outpouring of prayers. Your support, massive offerings of support. Your love, endless streams of compasion, caring and concern. Those are the things that have given me these kind of results. I know it, Cindy knows it and my family knows it. Thank you all, you are loved! May God continue to bless all of us every day.

And now some special news for today. It is Miguel LaFont's Birthday today. Hapy Birthday to a very special young man who started college yesterday in Venezuela. Miguel you too are loved and missed. Happy Birthday!

You never kow who your angels are.

One of the most important growth issues for me in both my character and my faith has been the open discussion with other men in numerous Mene's groups. I can remember how good my teenage son felt whenever he had the opportunity to bond or have personal conversations with other young males. It often encouraged me to wonder, why can't that work with older men as well, so I sought out to join a men's group. Over the years I had the opportunity to be a part of several groups from different denominations and quickly learned the benefit of honest communications and good listening. Another thing I learned was how important awareness was to your own well being and character. I leaned from other men and their stories that it was important to be open and share not only for those round you but for those watching silently. The ones on the sidelines, young and old, that quietly just might observe you, your behavior or just listen to what you have to say. It is these people, that when they acknowledge that connection days, weeks or even years later, thay are like angels to you. This blog and the comments I have received have offered me the realization of many of my angels. I had no idea of how many. With all of today's hectic sChemo schedule and then trying to be as normal as possible to be a good OHIO STATE fan, I kept a pretty hectic pace. We convinced Carrie and Bill to come over and have a game night party and lots of ridiculous "game night foods". Cindy of course just looked at me with my Chemo pump hanging over my neck, shaking her head, as i shoved down in bites of White Castles, chicken wings, spicy meat balls, chicken chili, veggies and dip only to name a few. We had a disappointing evening relative to the score but a fun night of unabashed eating pleasure and story telling. I was fearful of the pressure I had put on my stomach with the Chemo and all but figured that would show its outcome sometime during the evening and had made the decision it was worth it. Oh, we also finished of the Black Raspberry Pie with a new pint of Graeters Black Raspberry ice cream. Sinful as it was, oh was it delightful. Sorry I wandered, let me get back to the angels.

I want to just note that one particular story Carrie shared, let me know I have a new angel out there. So as not to embarrass them, I'll just say it's a young man of high school age who while reading my blog found connection with the "Footsteps" story which had always been one of his favorites, and while looking at the picture of me walking on the beach, and understanding my tourney, found himself comfortable enough with his feelings to shed a slight tear. I was moved of course, because I find these little times to be my biggest and most worthwhile gifts. The gift of angels. I often tell the younger ones around me how whenever they take a chance, and reach out and share their feelings, they maybe even find it hard to do, hard to get in touch with their own feelings and emotions. But it is worth it. It is worth it because someone else often receives incredible energy from that slight touch. It took me many years as a adult christian man to realize the value of being open, being kind, caring for others, listening to others, and sharing openly my own feelings and faith. So that's why I get so excited and love when young people step outside their comfort zone and do it. My job, working with young people, has always been to help them realize how they become "angels" to others by those simple moments that they reach out or share honest feelings with others. So Kyle, oh crap I wasn't going to mention his name, you were that angel for me today in a big way. Energy buddy, tons of energy for me, energy I needed and will put to good use. How else do you think I could have put all that food down last night without pain. thanks buddy! You too are loved. God bless you all. PS. I need to share some of that energy to my son Steve, who I know took last night;s loss very hard! Remember Steve, you too once were a GATOR, swimming laps for the greatest swim team of all times.

the Path narrows just a bit!

Today the path will narrow just a bit. I spend the day at the clinic for the first intense day of round 3 of my Chemo therapy. Then, for the rest of the week, I am wearing the fashionable "Chemo To Go" pump. If you are familiar with the "Footsteps" story, this is where there is only one set of footsteps for sure. I definitely know I'm in His hands for the next week. It is also the week where most think that I will get my new "bald is beautiful" look as well. Who knows. I think the beautiful part will be a real stretch.

Oh, and a Black Raspberry update to make you laugh just a bit more. It turns out as we researched even deeper, that the primary studies are being done at Ohio State University and the berries used come directly from Stokes Berry Farm, in Wilmington Ohio, the place were Cindy grew up and of course, she once picked berries there for summer work. What a small and wonderful world we live in. Needless to say, Black Raspberries will become a regular in my diet for sure.

Well, I have a big day tomorrow and still have a few fears, so I am cutting this one short and going back to bed. Our door opened often yesterday, and our hearts jumped for joy. Thank you all for your visits. You are loved, God bless you all.

Oh do I love learning!

I don't think I have stopped chuckling since I woke up with my usual need for a pain pill, Popsicle fix and blog writing time. Of course, as usual, I sat for a minute to think about a topic for tonight's blog. A couple of normal everyday occurrences were stuck in my head and all of a sudden they blended together for an amazing "tidbit" of information, learning and laughter. Mostly laughter because as I thought about the potential topic, I began to chuckle and really enjoy my own thoughts. A few weeks ago, someone, one of my many caring visitors (who by the way, we can no longer identify, so if you want to call and take credit we would really appreciate that), dropped of a huge delicious looking Black Raspberry Pie. Of course, after the visit it ended up in the freezer for future consumption. Now I have to tell you that from childhood, I have picked, purchased and devoured many a raspberry, red or black since it has always been one of my favorites. Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend many years in the 6 figure salary range necessary to purchase the little buggers on a regular basis. Anyway, also last night, our dear friends Ken and Vickie generously brought supper over and I had mentioned that we had the dessert covered. I immediately created a grand image in my head that I could dream about for a couple of days before the dinner. I imagined a hefty piece of that wonderful berry filled Black Raspberry Pie sitting on a plate, warmed and snuggling up to a luscious mound of non other than Graeters Black Raspberry Chip ice cream. (Bob and Christi, I hope I'm allowed to show this picture for storytelling purposes only.) Okay, so last nights dinner came and we did enjoy just what we had anticipated and it was so delicious and needless to say, soothed my beast a little too. Then tonight, during my time to read the daily digest from the Esophageal Cancer group, I am quickly scanning each entry and what on earth do you think catches my eye but "Black Raspberry's". It turns out that some university EC cancer study groups have produced significant data that supports that Black Raspberry's posses some metabolic or chemical properties that have shown to reduce esophageal tumor development in rodents of course. So I naturally, of course, went on line to start googling EC tumors/Black Raspberry. What a hoot. I have just been sitting here chuckling uncontrollably about this very coincidental, light hearted, yet incredibly interesting opportunity fir learning. My daughter Carrie would be saying right now, "Simple minds, simple pleasures" but I don't care. I am just so entertained by these simple facts and you can bet I am going to research them even more. I also found out Ohio, along with my home state of New Hampshire are leading producers of the Black Raspberry. Remember, almost all research shows that laughter is a primary treatment component for any and all diseases.

I must also include in tonight's blog, my warmest thanks and appreciation to Ken & Vickie for a delightful evening, Mamma Tomte from Norway for her wonderful loving efforts to comfort us with her own Blog, and Mike and Carolyn for your warm and inspirational comments from yesterday. I know I say this a lot, but oh my, am I a lucky, blessed and well fed man right now. God bless you all, you are loved.

Signs along the Path

Okay, I have been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday and all about the "Path" and the "Beast". Let's focus more on the path right now. Each and every day I am continually blessed by one of you or a new person showing up along the Path to wish me well, give a hug, bring some soup, or the many compasionate things people have to offer me. I'm going to call these the "SIGNS" along the path. Sort of like the happy billboards just for me. Full of great things for me to pay attention to and keep me focused. Continuing on this little creative construction plan I decided the mile markers would be my HOPE MARKERS" to help keep track of the distance in months of course. Then things that happen along the way that are just plain fun or good news will be like little market stands or booths for me to stop at. Just like the sponsor boots along a marathon run, they are there just to make you feel good and give you something free and then send you on your way to the big "FINNISH LINE". Nah, lets leave that part out of my path. It's my path and I can make it any way I want....so NO FINISH LINE. Then I decided after getting a very beautiful Christmas gift the other day from our dear friends in Norway, that my path is going to look just like Norway all along the way. What an incredibly beautiful place.
I joined the EC (Esophageal Cancer) group on line yesterday and already I am flooded with responses. But one response especially fit right into my PATH idea. This man's story was just about a mirror image of mine except that he was a bit older. He too faced the same BEAST with the same limitations to his path, no surgery, not much hope and no cure. Well after reading his wonderful response to me joining the group, he encouraged me to keep on counting because so far he had just finished month number 76. Wow, did I love seeing that. He is a retired Army General who considers himself a "goofy kind of guy who thinks everything is funny". Well how about that. Sounds like a nice guy to me. He too says that attitude and outlook are so very important to the healing process.
I found out today that at least Steve and I are going to take a trip to New Hampshire in a couple of weeks to visit with my mom and dad's families. If things work out, Mike may join us too. If not, Mike and I will do something else together soon. I'm really looking forward to the trip, not only to spend some good time with Steve but to get back to the land of snow, the land of my roots. I just hope they have some snow by the time we get there. We are going to spend a day in Boston and then drive north to Mount Washington. I expect a wonderful trip. My mom and dad's families both came from the same little town there in New Hampshire called Berlin. It was an old lumber town and devided by a river. French on the east and Irish on the west. Thank God my dad was an adventurer and crossed the river once in a while. My dad was the oldest of 11 and my mom, the youngest of 4. Only 5 of my dad's family are left but a multitude of cousins. So it will be an important time for Steve to get to know another side of his roots.

Thanks to all that commented on my blog return. I found out how much I enjoy doing this and how much I enjoy knowing someone is reading it. Today my biggest joy was the comment of my beautiful, loving daughter Carrie. What a lucky man I am. Have a wonderful day all of you, and remember that you are loved. God bless you all.

Okay my break is over. Happy New Year!

I sincerely hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's time. I took a break from Bloggin only because I was so unsure of the holiday schedule and my stamina. Well, with radiation over and no Chemo, I was surprised at how good I felt on many of the days. Even with a few bad ones thrown in here and there, all in all it was a Holiday season I will always cherish. Here is a link that shows a little side work I did during the holidays entertaining at a few nursing homes in town. http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=aa34f9e0db75db154855da4G06122916 just hit the BACK key when done.

On that note, I want to be a bit more honest and share with all of you one very important perspective of this situation, which I now like to call the BEAST. That name is what they call it on the Esophageal Cancer support site and I kind of like it. Because of the BEAST and my stage 4 condition, statistics don't seem to favor a very long future for me. So now that perspective I promised. The doctors encouraged me to begin to plan and embrace my future in terms of months and that everything they do for me is to make me as comfortable as possible and for the longest amount of time. Fair enough! What they just don't know yet is, that when Mike Marcou embraces something, he just doesn't shake hands or give a light pat and go on. I don't think I have ever done that. So I looked up "embrace" in my Webster and noticed the definition filled with words I like such as "affection", "surround", "to include as part of something broader", "eagerly and willingly take part" and "to avail oneself". So now you can see a bit of the perspective I am going to have. The huge flooding of love, support, calls, visits, notes, gifts, cards and emails and the incredible words given within them is the most magnificent rush of energy and encouragement anyone could ever receive. God somehow led me to this path, but before I got here He led me into so many peoples lives. I never realized just why, but enjoyed myself tremendously along the way. Now I begin to realize just how incredibly massive the return on my investment will be. Every book I read, every case Cindy and I study, all talk of support and attitude as major factors in the battle with the BEAST. Thinking about all of you, and what you bring to me, I feel like Sir Lancelot or Superman, ready to battle and win. So simply put, I have been given a path, a journey so to speak. One that most don't think is too long of a journey. Yesterday a very dear friend shared a story with me about a path. A path to reach and find a truth. A path not so often travelled, a path that got harder as it got longer. But the heart of the story was that the traveller went on and on, not stopping, not giving up, just pressing on and wearing down the path as he went. For my children, my family, and all my wonderful friends who love me, I need you all to know that I am taking that path, embracing it like it has never been embraced. I plan to move along that path for many many many months, counting them as I do and being a significant part of that 6 percent. Beat the BEAST, who knows, knock him down and run, NO, embrace the BEAST and wear it down from our long travel together on the path, now that sounds smart to me. I hope you all continue to join me in my journey as my energy, my comfort and my friends. I love you all. I am truly blessed! Oh, and I'm back blogging too!